As we continue with our study, we will look at establishing godly and healthy boundaries in our relationships with family members and others.
There are people with all types of disorders around us daily. This may include those exhibiting BPD, OCD, narcissism, codependency, control, manipulation, substance abuse and other disruptive personality traits. Some of these individuals may need specialized help to successfully maneuver in life with other people.
Other individuals may possess the ability to make drastic changes in the way they relate to others but may not want to deal with their issues and correct their behavior. In either case, we may need stricter boundaries when dealing with this type of person. These personality types are often injurious and calloused to the pain they cause others. They typically love to cause strife and contention that the scripture tells us to avoid.
Now I urge you, brethren, note those who cause divisions and offenses, contrary to the doctrine which you learned, and avoid them. Romans 16:17
Hopefully, you will not think I am being unloving or insensitive by writing about this delicate subject. I believe it can be helpful or us
explore the topic, and hopefully, it will help us to grow in our discernment, wisdom, and judgement with regards to establishing heathy boundaries.
Controlling Parents and Adult Children
Years ago, a young couple I know married and planned to honeymoon at a special location in another state. When the groom’s parents learned about their planned destination, they invited themselves to tag along. This idea sprang foremost from the groom’s mother, who was quite controlling (by their own admission). She insisted they (her and her husband) be included in their son’s new life.
I am not sure how this woman was raised, but it is not customary for most couples to bring “Mom and Dad” along on their “once in a lifetime” honeymoon. This time is especially set aside for the couple to become one and be intimate. It is not a time for “in-laws” to tag along to intrude on the newlyweds’ new journey in life as husband and wife.
Thankfully, the couple had the spiritual and emotional backbone to set boundaries and said “no” to this bizarre and awkward request from his parents. The scripture clearly states:
Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Genesis 2:24
For there to be a healthy relationship, a parent’s role must change when their children are grown and learning to make decisions for themselves. The parent is no longer responsible for the child’s actions or discipline. If they do not agree with the children’s decisions, they may offer advice but must develop a “let go and let God” attitude.
Setting boundaries in relationships can be difficult at times because most of us want to be liked by everyone. The truth is, we will not be liked by everyone no matter what we do. We cannot be people pleasers and please God at the same time, or live balanced and healthy lives.
Paul said it this way:
“For do I now persuade men, or God? Or do I seek to please men? For if I still pleased men, I would not be a bondservant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10
In the book of Proverbs King Solomon wrote:
The fear of man brings a snare, But whoever trusts in the LORD shall be safe. Proverbs 29:25
Jesus taught His disciples to fear God, not man.
And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Matthew 10:28-a
If we are afraid to say “no” when we need space, time alone, or just do not want to be involved in someone else’s plans or demands, we open the door to all types of unhealthy conditions and circumstances somewhere down the line.
Over the years, there has been numerous times someone has asked me to watch a movie or TV show with them, and I said no, because I had more important things to do, or did not agree with the content of the movie or show, and therefore chose not to violate my values and conscience to pleas them.
We do not have to be rude when establishing healthy boundaries, although people who like control will often attempt to make us feel we are the ones out of line and unloving. It is not unkind to let someone know you need space to revive, or you have other plans. You are better off lovingly and honestly communicating your decision that differs from what they want you to do.
God expects us to live within godly boundaries, but also gives us the freedom to establish healthy boundaries when it pertains to our personal relationships.
For example, God wants us to honor our father and mother, but not be targets of abuse and mistreatment. We can still honor our parents, even if we have to give them space until the relationship is healthy and safe for you and others in your family.
Unhealthy boundaries can create havoc. They can cause much unnecessary pain and suffering for us and those around us. There has been a wave of scandals emerging within the church, and most of them were the result of unhealthy boundaries.
We must remember, we are spirit, soul, and body. Our spirit is saved. Our minds are being renewed, but our bodies must be treated as slaves and brought under submission, otherwise we can be led astray by our fleshly desires that will lead to sin, death, and destruction.
When king David saw Bathsheba bathing from his balcony, his fleshly desires took over and he ended up committing adultery with her, and having her husband killed (2 Samuel 11th and12th chapter). Although he was forgiven, his lack of boundaries brought great difficulties for him and his family.
Recently, there has been a widespread outbreak of well-known and prominent church leaders admitting to past inappropriate relationships, of which some were with individuals under their authority or care. When proper boundaries are violated, anyone of us can be susceptible to succumbing to temptation and falling into sin. Never forget, the flesh is weak, and we all need boundaries.
Healthy boundaries are necessary. We are not in heaven yet. There is a devil who wants to tempt us (Matthew 4:1). There is the flesh, which, according to Jesus and the apostle Paul, is weak (Matthew 26:41; Galatians 5:19-21).
Jesus set boundaries in His dealings with others. Although the multitudes often requested Him to stay in their towns, He would frequently send them away, go pray, and leave to another location. He had compassion for the people, but still maintained boundaries on how much time He could spend with them. His focus was always on obeying the Father.
Immediately Jesus made His disciples get into the boat and go before Him to the other side, while He sent the multitudes away. And when He had sent the multitudes away, He went up on the mountain by Himself to pray. Matthew 14:22-23
Let us pray for the courage, godly discernment, and wisdom to set healthy boundaries that will protect our walk with God, our marriages, our relationships with extended family, friends, and co-workers..
Until nest time, may God our Heavenly Father and the Lord Jesus Christ, richly bless and keep you.
James Brown
CST 09/04/2024
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